Supporting a Friend or Family Member Through Loss

There is nothing like a loss to remind us all that life is fragile. Loss can be especially uncomfortable for the friends and family, who are at a loss themselves.  It seems impossible how to figure out what you should not say or do.  It can be challenging to find a way to support the ones in need.

Know, no matter how awkward it feels, that your gift of time and effort to a family who has lost a baby is much appreciated.  Your presence is not unnoticed, and your small acts of kindness do not go unnoticed.

Here is a simple guide to supporting a loss family:

1. Don’t be silent. Simple phrases like “I’m sorry” or “I don’t know what to say” actually say a lot and their simplicity is understood.  Think about what you are saying from the receivers’ point of view.  Refrain from comments like ‘it was for the best”, “your baby was too perfect for earth”, and others like “You will have other kids”.  To the listener’s ears, it sounds like you are dismissive of their loss or the value of the life lost.
2. Try to be available to sit, listen, and be present. Your presence alone, without any expectations, can be the best gift.  When the family is ready you will be there to listen and when they do share you can hold their story for them without judgment.
3. Listen without judgment. Support their journey. Grief comes in waves as do their emotions and you never know when it will demand attention at all costs. All you need to do is validate their emotions and listen.
4. Don’t assume there is an army of people waiting to help. Help with small tasks like food shopping, cooking, laundry, and taking the kids out for playdates. Just like you, others don’t know what to do either.  Lead the way by setting up a food train or household help.
5. Don’t forget your partner. In our society, it is typical to expect the non-pregnant partner to be silent and strong even when they feel anything but. While they may repress their feelings, they too need an outlet and support as well, if not more so.
6. Most importantly, mark your calendars with the six months and one-year anniversaries. Even if the family is supported by friends and family, that support network often disappears after 1-3 months. Anniversaries are especially hard. Make sure to send a small gift, bring a meal, sit and listen, or even do a random act of kindness.

The gift of time and energy you give now will help a family to find the time and the support they need to heal. Your role is to respect their loss and their grief process. Next is to be present as they touch and explore their grief both in private and in public.  You simply need to witness it as you cannot fix it. Finally, you can still be there as they work through the heart of their grief and embrace it. It’s not a simple job but a powerful one.